Today we are focusing our attention on the second example that the Apostle Paul gave as a means of teaching proper obedience and submission to Christ. Last week, we looked at the relationship between husbands and wives, and we connected that with Christ’s relationship with the Church. As wives are to be submissive to husbands (reminder, not in an inferior way but in a loving way), so husbands are to love and lead their wives (also, not in a tyrannical or superior manner, but in a way of love). The wife is to lovingly submit, while the husband is to lovingly lead, even if that means harm coming to him. It’s sort of like the captain going down with the ship. Well, that’s exactly how Christ loves the Church. Christ gave up his life for the Church. He loves the Church so much, that despite obvious faults and failures, he laid down his life on her behalf. Well, Paul turns his attention to another relationship, that of parents and children. As I said last Sunday, this is really a natural progression from spouses to children to work relationships. And we’re going to approach it much the same way as we did last Sunday, by looking first at the earthly relationship between parents and children, and then connecting that to God’s relationship with and love for His children, the Church, Christians.
One of the greatest pieces of advice that I have ever received came from my father when I was just a little kid. It wasn’t something that he set out to intentionally bestow upon me, but it was something that I learned through the way that I was raised. One time, I had just done something to get myself in trouble (shocker), and my father was going to be the one coming up with my punishment. Typically my mom was the disciplinarian, and I had grown virtually immune to her forms of punishment. However, my dad knew exactly the things that really got to me. This particular time, he made me not only miss my baseball game, but he made me go to the park and sit and watch my team play in a game. After we got in his truck after the game, he asked me how it felt. I told him that he wasn’t my friend anymore. Expecting my father to be crushed by the weight of that statement, his reply was simple, “Well, good thing my job isn’t to be your friend, it’s to be your dad.” I was stunned to the point of silence by those words that that ended the conversation right then and there.
Years have passed since all of that happened. We’ve never really spoken about it, but it has been one of the most impactful moments of my life, not just in how I go about raising my kids, but how I see the world. When I look out into the world, I see a place where parents are seemingly striving to be their children’s best friends. I see a place where the role of parent has somehow become secondary to the role of friend and confidant. Don’t mistake me, I’m not telling you that my father and I aren’t friends. Until the time that I met my wife, my father was my best and closest friend. He was the best man at my wedding. However, during the time that he and my mother were raising me (and even beyond), there has always been a clear authority structure in place. It’s just like what we saw last week with marriage, God has a created structure for marriage and a created structure for parents and children as well. In fact, both of these things put together comprise God’s intended order for the family unit as a whole. The husband is the head with the wife lovingly taking her cues from him and the children in submission to them both. I know that some will hear these words and think that they are archaic, and I will acknowledge that indeed they are as old as time itself; that’s because they are the order that God created. However, I will quickly remind you that simply because something is old doesn’t necessarily mean that it is outdated or obsolete. I know that we live in a world that places modernity and newness as priorities, but newer isn’t always better. After all, it isn’t as if God needs to be updated to fit our context. The problem isn’t with God, it’s with us.
“Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Much the same way that I said last Sunday that so many see “Wives submit to your husbands” without seeing “as to the Lord”, we do the same thing with this verse. We simply focus on the call for children to obey their parents without ever seeing the words “in the Lord.” Yes, children are to obey their parents. Children are to honor and respect their parents as well. Verses 2 and 3 of our text are simply a repetition of Exodus 20:12, the fifth commandment. However, they are not to do so blindly, but are to do so “in the Lord.” Well, what does “in the Lord” mean? Without going into too long of a rant, it simply means that they are to obey their parents as far as their parents’ expectations and commands do not interfere with or contradict those given by God. For example, if a father where to forbid his child from attending church and worship, then that would not be a command that is keeping with the things of God. For that child to disobey his/her parent and attend worship would not be a violation of the fifth commandment or the obedience command that we see here from Paul. And you could easily apply this principle further out and see that this doesn’t give parents free reign to compel their children to steal, murder, commit fraud, lie, or any other activity that is strictly forbidden by Scripture.
Now, it needs to be said here that even though the majority of the verses in this text seem to be commands towards children, much of the focus here is actually on the parents. You see, as parents, we have to set good examples for our children to follow. If we are to expect the obedience of our children, then we must ourselves be obedient to the Lord so that our requirements for them are in keeping with God as well. Also, in order for them to honor us as parents, we must be someone worthy of honoring. Now, this can be a bit of a slippery slope here. Do I think that any person is worthy of the type of honor that we should show Christ? Absolutely not! However, I do think that there is a sense of honor and respect that is appropriate to be shown by children to their parents. They can honor and respect things like showing love, nurturing, being hard-working, providing for them, being noble and upright, and there are numerous other things that we could add to this list. Children cannot honor immorality, deceitfulness, drunkenness, being untrustworthy, or any other corrupt traits. As parents the bulk of the responsibility is on us, as it rightly should be, to set the right example. I mean, when we come right down to it, shouldn’t the parents be the ones with the bulk of the responsibility. I know that there have been times in my own home when I’m frustrated with one of my children and my words or my actions teeter a little too far, bordering on dishonorable. Amy often times will call me out on it. After I protest, she will remind me that I’m the parent and that the other party is a child, ages 2, 5, or 6.
Paul concludes this example of obedience and proper relationships by saying, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Now, even though Paul specifically uses the word for fathers here, this isn’t just a statement for fathers. It’s just as much for mothers; similar to how brethren can be interpreted to mean a group of both males and females. “Fathers” was most likely used to drive home again the point of the husband as the head of the household. Paul says that parents aren’t to provoke their children to anger. Some other words that would fit here are exacerbate or aggravate. Don’t irritate your kids. Some of you are saying, “The whole reason I have kids is to irritate them.” Well, what Paul’s talking about is to not be unreasonably severe in your parenting. My parents often like to remind me during times when I’m frustrated with some of my children’s outbursts that they are indeed my children. Basically, Paul is encouraging parents to not view their relationships with their children to be that of a tyrant, but more like that of a loving head (much like husbands and wives).
Now I want you to pay attention to two specific words used here by Paul: discipline and instruction. Paul warns parents against taking verses like Proverbs 13:24 (Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him) out of context. Paul’s calling for a balance. Martin Luther famously once said, “Spare the rod and spoil the child—that is true. But beside the rod keep an apple to give him when he has done well.” Luther’s humor aside, what he’s saying here is keeping right in line with Paul’s teaching. As parents we are to be wise in the raising of children. We are to show discipline where it is needed and instruction where it is needed. All of this talk about not provoking our children but still using discipline and instruction is Paul’s call for balance in our parenting. Much like I said about my father previously, he is a dear friend, but he was also responsible for teaching me right and wrong. I want my children to love me as a friend, but I want them to love me as a father even more, and sometimes that means making a difficult choice.
So, what are we to take from this relationship between parents and children and apply to our relationship with Christ? As I’ve pondered just how to sum all of this up over this past week, the concept of fearing the Lord has kept coming up in my mind. What does it mean to fear the Lord? Well, in essence, it is something that comes out of a right understanding of who God is. Knowing that all it takes is for God to say one word and the wrath that I am rightly owed descend upon my head is a terrifying thing. In fact, it is a frightening thing. However, does that mean that I’m to be afraid of God? No! Being afraid of God and fearing the Lord are not the same thing. I had a fear of my father growing up, but I was never afraid of him. I knew that he loved me and that he would never do anything to hurt me. However, I knew that if I were ever disobedient to his will, that there were consequences. I knew that when I missed my curfew, when I spoke back, when I carelessly broke something around the house, that there were consequences. I guess what I’m saying here is that I knew that my father loved me and that’s really where the reason to discipline came from. He didn’t discipline me to be mean, but he did it to refine me sort of, to make me into a better person. And lest I ever forget and think that we were equals in the relationship, he was quick to remind me that we most certainly were not.
I think that that is somewhat Paul’s central message here. We, as children, need to be obedient to our Father. We need to be obedient to God. We need to show him the honor, reverence, and respect that are due to Him. While we may have to decide whether or not our earthly parents are setting Godly goals for us, we don’t have to make that decision when it comes to following Christ. Everything that Jesus calls us to do is completely in line with the will of the Father. We also don’t have to worry about God provoking us needlessly to anger. We don’t have to worry about God setting unrealistic standards for us. Sure, we may not be able to keep them now, but we could in the persons of our first parents Adam and Eve. And not only that, after our first parents lost the ability for all of mankind to keep fully the statutes and commands of God, God sent His Son into the world as our substitute to endure the punishment that was owed.
Now, that doesn’t mean that no further discipline will ever be needed. Don’t hear what I’m saying and take away that all hardships and trials are over and that there is nothing but sunny skies and calm seas ahead. Jesus’ sacrifice was an act that is aimed at our being freed from a salvific perspective. His death makes it possible for us to dwell for all eternity with God, not a guarantee that we will never endure any difficulties in life again. Are there times when we will fail? Sure. Are there times when God will have to discipline us and instruct us? Absolutely! However, we must never be deterred in our failures, but constantly seek to obey.
When our kids get in trouble, Amy and I sit them down and talk to them and we make sure that they understand what they did, why it’s wrong, and how they need to change their behavior moving forward. Can you imagine if they ever said, “Well, I’ve already messed up this once, so why try anymore?” That would be absurd. Instead, they keep trying to obey us and meet our expectations. Do they mess up and fall short again? Sure they do, but the desire to obey never leaves them. It may seem hidden at times, but in their hearts we know that they are still working at fulfilling the expectations that we have set for them as parents. Shouldn’t our desire be to fulfill the expectations that our Father has set for us? Regardless of the fact that we’re probably going to mess up and that we’re probably not going to live up to those standards fully, our hope and our desire to meet them shouldn’t change. As children of God, we must long for nothing else than to obey our Father in heaven.
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