Ok, so I'm sorry if the title of this little rambling is a bit misleading. There hasn't been any earth-shattering news in my life as of late and I don't mean "coming out" like you probably originally interpreted it. You see, to me, coming out can mean much more than just someone openly acknowledging their sexual orientation. Coming out refers to the revealing of anything that is life-changing to people around you. Yes, when someone tells their family that they are homosexual, that is a form of coming out. However, telling your religious family that you're an atheist is just as much of a coming out as well. In fact, that's how this whole idea for a blog entry came to me. I was talking to a girl who I had only recently met and after finding out that I was a pastor, she began to tell me how she was an atheist but hadn't revealed that to her family yet. At first I thought that it was odd (seeing as how I had just told her that I was a pastor) that she would divulge such information to me. However, after I thought about it for a while it made perfect sense. She had carried this weight around with her for so long that it was literally crushing her. She felt like she really had nowhere to go with this life-changing admission that she needed to make. I guess she also could have been using me as a trial run for gauging her family's reaction (although I highly doubt it).
After hearing her tell me about her recently newfound beliefs and after hearing her talk about what a relief it was to finally get that out in the open (even if it was to someone that she didn't really know), I asked her why she wouldn't tell her family. "Well, you just don't understand because you've never been in this situation." Ah, there it is; that old familiar "you wouldn't understand" line of thought. How could I, a Christian who was born and raised in the Bible-belt, possibly understand what it would be like to admit that I didn't believe in God. Well, while I can't relate to that specific "coming out", it doesn't mean that the concept of revealing something is completely foreign to me. It's true that I (as a white male) will never completely understand certain struggles of women or people of other ethnicities. However, that doesn't mean that I don't understand struggle.
Getting back to this young woman, I told her that I to have once had to make a "coming out" proclamation of my own. She asked me to explain, so I told her about the time in my life that I had to tell folks about God's calling that he had placed upon my life to be a pastor. Very quickly, she pointed out to me that those two things were not equal and really seemed irritated at my comparison (as some of you no doubt are right about now as well). However, I asked her what she was afraid of in this admission to her friends and family about her atheism. She told me that she was afraid that they would treat her differently. She doubted that they would completely wash their hands of her, but that they might not share the closeness that she had come to treasure at this point in her life. Now, this was something that I can relate to. You see, when I made the outward proclamation to my friends and family about my becoming a pastor, I knew that they would still love me, but I didn't know if they would treat me differently than they previously had.
Let me explain a little bit here about what it's like to be a pastor (and part of a pastor's family for that matter). You see, even some of your closest friends can instantly go from being like family to walking on eggshells around you. People are constantly afraid of offending you and worried that you're going to take something "overly religious" from what they said. They also always think that you're constantly trying to evangelize them. It's as if they think that your entire vocabulary is replaced with "Have you heard the good news?" Now, if you haven't heard it, then I would love to tell you about it, but I would also enjoy conversations about sports, family, music, politics, and a host of other subjects as well. Recently, my wife was out with some teacher friends celebrating the end of the school year. One of them (whom she hadn't spent much time around outside of school) said to her that she was always afraid of saying the wrong thing around her because of...you know...what her husband did. Now, Amy has gotten pretty good at laughing when people view us in such a light, but it still makes us question how many friendships are hindered because of this perceived divide that exists between us and them (whoever "them" might be).
I'm thankful for the friends and family that I have in my life who haven't changed the way they treat us. Even if there are times when I wish that they would show a little acknowledgment and awareness as to what it is that God has called me to do, I would much prefer that they still treat us just like they did prior to my answering this call. In all honesty, one of the most difficult things about ministry hasn't been the long nights, difficult texts, tough counseling sessions, or seeing folks that I care about endure great personal tragedies. No, it's been the lost friendships that have come about as a result of my calling. Now don't get me wrong, I don't for one second wish that I wasn't called to ministry so that these friendships could be restored. I very much cling to the words of James 1:2-3, "Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness" and Philippians 3:7-8, "But whatever gain I had, I counted as loss for the sake of Christ. Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ."
So, my conversation ended with this girl by my encouraging her to talk about her beliefs with her family and with her friends, regardless of the results. If this was truly something that she believed, then she shouldn't be ashamed of it, but should actually seek conversations about it and try and dig deeper and find out if it was truly what she believed or if there was just a veil over her eyes (she didn't appreciate my veil comment, but at least she was nice and didn't say anything negative).
Now, I know that some of you have to be wondering why in the world a reformed Christian pastor would encourage a new-found atheist to admit it to her family and friends. Well, the answer is once again a pretty simple one. How in the world can this girl's eyes be opened to the gospel if the world (and especially those closest to her) doesn't know that she is in need of hearing of the glorious news of the empty tomb. You see, in order for this girl to come back to (or more accurately be drawn back into) the knowledge of God, then she is going to need to be able to discuss matters of theology and history with someone whom she trusts. She's going to need to have real meaningful conversations and not just endless debates about who's side is right and who is wrong. When two people go into a discussion with the primary objectives being defending their current positions, then neither side is really open to seeing the views of the other. I've been to these debates where they could virtually be held in separate locations and the same information be given. Nothing gets accomplished, at least nothing productive.
No, I may not understand what it's like to have to "come out" as a homosexual, atheist, addict, adulterer, or any other type of group that we normally associate with "coming out." However, that doesn't mean that I don't know what it's like to share something with friends and family and worry that they are going to treat me differently. The biggest difference for me (in my opinion), is that I had something to share that I couldn't keep a secret; it was just too wonderful of news to hide from anyone, much less those closest to me. There was nothing at all that I had to be ashamed of from my perspective. It makes me think about those in some of these aforementioned "coming out" groups. Why are they sometimes so unwilling/unwanting to "come out"? Maybe if they did, then the world would look much differently than it does now; maybe it wouldn't. Either way, as far as the Christian goes, at least we would have a much greater picture of how great the task truly is that is set before us.
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